i’m so tired of having a body

i would do much better as a star

or a river—

no, an ocean—

or a ray of sunlight

or a moonbeam

i would much prefer to live

in an unfinished manuscript

or in the dream that inspired it

or in a photograph hung upon a wall

or in the click of the camera that took it

or in the melody of a piano duet

or in the hoot of an owl

or in a toddler’s laugh

if i am made of stardust

and can have ideas and can be inspired—

and can feel so deeply and so often

happiness sorrow rage love—

if i can love—

why should i contain myself in flesh and bones?

where is my vastness, my omnipresence?

when will my consciousness overflow

and tangle with the migrating geese, 

the frog’s croak, the stream’s bubbles?

i am so sick of being just me

i want to dig my fingers into soil

and grow roots

i want to turn my face to the rain

and dissolve into the ground

into the clouds

i would fly too close to the sun

if it meant the melting of my wings

would return me to the sea

instead my body will choke if buried

drown if underwater

and freeze the moment i leave the planet

and i am left to keep wondering:

what could a body give me that the stars cannot?

i am a child of circumstance

two families arrange a marriage

and by chance the participants

(far too young to even consider

such a heavy commitment, the words

“i do,” unreal and empty but terrifying

until, of course, my mother is born)

become my grandparents

i am enamored with old photographs

i flip through page after page after page

tracing my grandmother’s face and

finding my mother and myself in the lines

i am softened by the way we all look alike

i seat myself across my mirror and take in

my grandmother’s cheekbones,

my uncle’s crooked grin

every time i am told i look like my mother

i feel as if i have the sun itself at my fingertips

then i find the wedding photos

and i see my grandmother—

only a year older than i am now—

a child expected to bear the children

of a man she hardly knows—

a child in a wedding dress scowling

as she sacrifices a chance to go to school

for the promise of safety and stability

and storms swirl inside my heart

but she was lucky

my grandfather was a good man

i never knew him but

i find photos of him, too

him doing his military service

bent over the side of a truck, beaming

as he scratches the head of a stowaway puppy

immortalized in shades of yellow and brown

in the folds of paper eternally crinkled like

the corners of his eyes as he smiles

and i know he is a good man

and i wonder if i look like him, too

the way i look like my mother

and my grandmother

and my father

and his mother and father

and my uncles

and my aunts

i see fragments of myself at every reunion

and i see echos of these reunions in every reflection

and i find every reflection in every old photo

and i know that while i am a child of circumstance,

i am a child of love, too.

When your heart thuds

A constant thud which never ends,

Convince yourself it is fine.

When your head throbs

A throbbing headache which never ends

Do not speak of its thoughts.

Silence these and throw them away,

For it is all a figment of your imagination.

Your heart is light with joy,

And your head is filled with content.

You are the embodiment of pleasure.

Relax, never forget you are glad.

Feel otherwise and be to blame.

Speak up and become the maniac

At fault for all’s displeasure.

Why can you not be happy?

The rest of us are elated!

We share a heart and a head.

Where do yours live? 

See the love in the air.

Hear the satisfaction.

Taste the truth of our proclamation:

All makes sense here,

For all is well.

Hearts beat every minute per second.

Yours is no different.

Minds pound out many a moment

No different than mine.

Rest your head upon this reassurance:

Yours are just the same

As mine and hers and all of us here present.

Feeling isolated

Makes you a bore.

Why can you not be happy?

Be enticing, be exciting!

We are content with each other.

Join us, there are no worries.

We have done so much for you.

Look, we have come so far,

Discussing solely between ourselves

The errors you have been making.

Do not mess up our progress.

Can you please stop being such a burden?

Smile, you are ruining our evening!

We have done nothing wrong.

We are not the ones wishing to end it.

Quit meddling with our friendship.

You chose to be with us years ago,

So you of all people can not end it.

Mark my words:

Stay a little longer, you will see you were at fault.

For me and her and all of us here present

Share a single consensus:

We will be friends for eternity,

You included.

So, my dear,

Do not voice your pain

Or the agonizing sorrow laying within your heart. 

Block your ears,

Do not share your feelings,

Those hardships you have cooped up within your mind.

Soothe your heart.

Put down your heavy head.

For we will conjure

And bring about our final verdict.

While you until judged –

Politely with love, I assure, –

Will not dare utter a word

Expressing your ill desire to adjourn

This sustainable, happy friendship.

Shut up, be silent.

Feel no more ill emotion.

Harbor not a single grudge against us.

We will assemble once more.

And when we come together,

We will forgive you of your faults,

For we accept that not all are good,

Not all can see that they are perfectly happy and content.

Look now at yourself and acknowledge these as true.

Smoke rises up above the sky. 

The train is coming. 

Clocks ticking, second by second. 

Each moment a new hour comes to its finale.

The sound of the horn billows through the air.

The train is coming,

Heading closer and closer by the minute.

I would leave the station,

But my ticket withholds my train’s arrival time,

So I am left waiting in anticipation.

Wheels trudge into the station.

Others get on, 

But I do not.

After all, it is not my train.

My train is coming.

Heart pounding with every arriving train,

I dread the forthcoming arrival of mine.

Outside the station, I never had any sense of satisfaction,

Yet I long to leave it

Just to taste the air one last time.

But even the air outside carries the sound of a horn.

Whether of my train or another, I do not know.

The forces of antagonism linger in the station’s windows,

Pounding their fists against the glass

At the sight of those boarding and those waiting.

Their presence chills my spine.

Their gaze haunts me like the smell of smoke above the sky.

Inside the station, it is lonely.

There is no one to comfort me.

So desperately I long for the physical comfort

Of a dear friend or loving relative

That I stretch out my hands even to passersby.

Not stopping to pay me any mind,

They walk on to board their trains.

Of all things, I only wish for happiness. 

The train is coming.

I can feel it.

But before the train arrives,

I just want to live with a sense of satisfaction.

So in this moment, as I turn to face the station’s entrance,

I have decided to face those antagonizing forces

Which lurk outside the station’s doors.

After all, it turns out you are my source of happiness.

Therefore, I must go to you before the train arrives.

In that same fleeting moment as I turned,

I saw you standing in the station’s doorway.

All we had to do now was pass the tracks,

And at last, our fingers would intertwine

As we deliver the kiss of kinship on each other’s cheeks

Full of forgiveness and affection.

Yet the smoke was present in the air heavier than before,

The sound of the horn blew its last

While the trudging of the wheels slowed to a halt,

And the clock’s hand hushed its ticking.

We were both too late to make our shared realization.

The train had arrived,

And I was obligated to board.

If only I had not come so early,

Would you have made me feel that missing sense of satisfaction

And feeling of happiness that

Above all I so longed to have?

in my mind i’m a queen
and i locked you in my dungeon
i wanted to stop hearing your whispers in my ear
your voice
that voice
but i could still hear it from where you were caged
so i ran
but you escaped and ran after me
eventually i got so tired
i wanted to give up
and let you lock me up instead
just so i wouldn’t have to fight you
i sat and sobbed in the field of grass outside my castle
then i heard your footsteps behind me
so i kept going
i found shelter along the way
and no matter how long it takes
i will outrace you
until you are nothing