We can’t share basic things together.
Things that strangers say during ice breakers.
Things acquaintances say to each other in passing.
Yet you say I’m your closest friend.
But are we really?
When I say likewise, I always feel more distant from you.
Do I say it out of pity for you or for myself
When I see how intimate you are with the friends
You tell me you aren’t close with?
But are you really?
Perhaps, I am simply overlooking it
Whether out of jealousy or envy
I am not sure.
I like to think I’m your closest friend, too, though.
But am I really?
Sure, we’ve known each other for a long time.
Yet how long have we actually known each other?
Until last year, we weren’t nearly like this.
We were friends, but we never talked much,
We never messaged casually,
And we certainly never hung out with each other.
When we did hang out, I always felt more distant from you.
Were you forcing yourself to do this with me,
Out of obligation as being friends?
Did you hold this obligation out of pity for yourself or for me?
I like to think you genuinely wanted to spend time with me.
But did you really?
Because I was in the position of being one of your many friends,
Were you just going down the list of us all,
Checking off who you had spent time with and who you still needed to,
So it all checked out, and you fulfilled your duty to us as your friends?
At least, I got my special time with you.
I like to think it’s because we didn’t have time
To talk, message, or hang out.
I like to think we were trying our best to be more than friends,
That we intended to become close friends eventually,
Yet there were too many obstacles blocking us from reaching each other.
But were there really?
I like to think last year I was fine with us being just friends.
Overall, I’m sure I was fine.
I certainly was happy
Even though I knew I wasn’t.
Truth be told, that was the lowest I’ve ever gone,
And I was scared.
Until last year, though, you were never there.
I like to think I didn’t expect you to be since we weren’t close.
But I was scared,
And the worst part about it was you weren’t there.
I wasn’t at all fine, but you were fine while you were with your friends and close ones, too,
While I was all alone.
Then suddenly last year, when drama arose and shifted your close friend’s social dynamics,
She resorted to me, and you followed behind her, doing the same.
I like to think it was the time I was waiting for,
For us to become close, had arrived.
But did it really?
Or was it another action of pity you took again
Either for that friend or for me?
Truth be told, I’m not stupid, I know the answer:
You decided to be with me only because she had resorted to me.
Your obligations and loyalty were to that close friend first.
She was higher on the list than me.
Then last year, we started talking, messaging, and hanging out more,
And I became what you now call me,
Your closest friend.
But was I really?
I try not to think that I was really just both of your guys’ back up friend.
I like to think I have more worth than that.
If not to her, if I really was just a back up friend to her,
I don’t particularly mind, but to you,
Wasn’t I more than that at least to you?
No, I know the answer.
To you, I simply became “better.”
It didn’t matter to you how low I was,
Or how lonely I was,
Or how neglected I felt by you despite all these years of knowing each other.
It didn’t matter because it never occurred to you to look at me
Then, suddenly, I became your closest friend.
It took not even one night for you to refer to me as your best friend,
It took not even one night for you to interact with me like your best friend,
And it took not even one night for you to genuinely say you loved me.
Here, I was waiting all this time
When all it took was just one friend to be moved off your checklist.
I like to think that I’m happy now
With the way we are.
But am I really?
I still have a long way to go
Before we’ll really be close.
Perhaps, I am simply overlooking it
Whether out of jealousy or envy
I am not sure.
I like to think I’m your closest friend, too, though
Even if it’s just a small fantasy
That will never become true.
At least, I became “better” and was there for you.
I had some special worth to you
Even if I was only moved onto your checklist for close friends.
Yes, I like to think that I am truly happy now,
Realizing I’m the toxic one.
