“The Legendarily Legendful Legend of Legends” – Zach Kamenov ’23

In a time far before the great Mongol empire, you survey the land equipped with a fighting technique too fast anyone else to replicate. The kings always know who to fear, for serious trouble will come from even the slightest provocation. You trek across the great desert in search of a challenging battle. The vast sandy lands of attrition proved fatal to even the most prepared of camel caravans. But something must be out there; Something is going to fulfill your destiny. All you have to do is find it. 

In the distance, you spot a big castle made of concrete and steel with a moat around it, and approach. As you step foot onto the edge of the moat, the bridge of the castle drops down. Then a club of foes in Kabuki masks and pajamas step out, and demand a ransom; “You fell into our trap. Pay us a diamond and never return.” They just spoke with a Russian accent.

To fool and provoke them, you say nothing. “I see you do not talk. Pay like this!” . A foe pulls out his saber. But before they even try to attack, you pull out your saber and yell, “En Garde!” . 

The foes are so surprised that they fumbled with theirs, creating the perfect opportunity to strike. Victory! The foes have been defeated, but there is a valuable and interesting castle right in front of you, seeming free of guards.

You investigate the castle, finding some seemingly worthless role playing game cards that, upon reading them, allegedly grant you special powers. The cards are made of a reflective material, like ones that make up mirrors. You try to read the king’s card but a crown appears above your head in the reflection, startling you.

“Your majesty, King.” You turn around to see a group of peasants bowing before you. They looked straight out of the Russian taiga. You expected them to talk about you liberating them, but they remained silent, continuing to bow. You look back at the card, which says “Kings card: Observe this card, then look at the outside walls.”

After the strange ceremony, you venture outside of the castle, to get a glimpse of its architecture. The walls have pillars with markings that resemble ancient Egyptian leaders. Suddenly, dark clouds rush into the sky above, while a raspy and ancient male voice shouts, “You dare raid the sacred tomb of cards?”

“This castle isn’t big enough for both a hero and a villain,” you shout.

“Ha ha ha! You are a villain. I thought you were a fool!” the voice alleges.

“Enough talk, let me show you who the real villain is,” you challenge.

The old man, with long gray hair, a gray beard, and a sharp chin, appears behind you. He is wearing a knight’s metal armor, except without the helmet. He shouts, “En garde!” . He pulls out a saber and attempts to attack you, but hits the ground as you dodge his attack, bending down and his back cracking.

“Ah! Ah!” The man slowly rises back up.

“I don’t exactly feel old… but I certainly… will be… in the future!” The old man stands up and swings, missing again, stooped helplessly.

You easily disarm him, taking his saber, which has “The Legend’s Saber of San Andrés” inscribed on it.

“So you are a great young man so skilled at fighting, but you stole my powers. You will pay”, the man says, raspily. 

“Where did you get this from?”, you ask.

“It doesn’t matter,” he concludes.

“Thou hast stolen this?” you ask, more aggressively.

“Well, kind-of,” he admits.

“Justice will be served today, villain!” You pull out your saber into the air.

The old man gasps, “The hand on the saber!”

“What hand?” you ask.

The man nods, looking at the hilt of the sword. You look down at it, the hand beeping, saying, in a robotic voice, “5 seconds until self-destruct”. The hand explodes, knocking you unconscious. Everything goes dark.

You find yourself on your back, the old man stands above you. It is most certainly hard to defend against the waking-up-after-being-knocked-out cliché.

“That sword will be mine!” The old man swings again, this time with your saber, but you manage to doge his attack. You stand up.

“Gah!” The old man’s back cracks, stooped again. “Is this how you play the game?”

“Yes, old man. Evil has been defeated, and your hostages doth be freed,” you say.

“Let’s have a party, ey?” The old man suddenly stands up straight and starts moving as if he is young. Suddenly, “String Disco” by Kevin Macleod starts playing around you, and the sunlight becomes a changing shade of rainbow. The old man starts dancing expertly, while the people behind him dance with him synchronously. You would call this odd dance “The Backbreaker.”

You oddly enough do not want to question the old man, or perhaps crash this weird party.

They sing synchronously, “♬You’ll be late for work! Here’s Johnny… Wake up!♬”

The singers hit the last two words out of tune.

You can’t even think properly, because this all seems like just part of some made-up script, and nothing even matters anymore as an imaginary legend of legends. 

(Recap of the above story plays, with exciting music playing) . Male news reporter voice: Time for pa-a-a-art two! In the last episode, we covered the great legend of fencing and his interesting journey, the best in all of Luxemburg’s great desert! But that’s not all. More things start to unravel in the most unexpected way possible. Our master learns even the most iiiiiincredible moves! Watch now to find out. (Music finishes) . (Blackout) . (Sound of a projector screen ascending) . 

You find yourself in a cloudless desert much like the previous one… except with green sand. Perhaps this substance is tri-phosphoglyceraldehyde, a compound that causes unbearable chemical burns if placed in the mouth or eyes. You look at your hands to see an X-shaped scar on your left, but you can’t help but look around along the green horizon. Is this what the tiny country of Luxemburg looks like? Perhaps in the future? You have some concerns.

“Hey!” , a young male voice shouts behind you. An armored bipedal rhino stands upright at the top of a hill, a battle ax in the right hand, a shield on another. The rhino grins. You slowly approach the rhino, preparing to pull out your saber, but an army of more rises out of the mountain. They all take a few seconds to look at you. “Charge!” , the first rhino yells. They all rush at you. Your skills at fencing certainly cannot defend against an army of stampeding rhinos!

You hear one of the rhinos yell a war cry, then a war hammer flies from the stampede, landing perfectly in your right hand. The hilt has an inscription that says “The Ban Hammer” . 

The rhinos close in on you, so you swing the hammer as your last defense at the stampede. They all get knocked away effortlessly by the hammer. A second wave of fiery arrows approaches you, but you knock them all out of the way. Eventually, the first rhino you saw remains, grinning again.

“Thou knowest thou loseth,” you say.

“Not yet we’re not!” the rhino says, as an army of bipedal rhino archers rise out of the hill behind him. Their red bows glowing, luminescently. Oh dear!

They all fire flaming arrows at you, but you manage to knock them away with your powerful hammer. A flying saucer appears out of the sky and lands near you. The old man is piloting.

“Hop on!”, he shouts.

Defending yourself from the flaming arrows, you get on the saucer, and the old man pilots it away. You want to kill the old man after all that he has done, but your body seems to disobey your thoughts.

“What about the rhinos?” you ask.

“Eh. They won’t be a problem” he says. 

He lands the saucer near the base of a large pyramid with a dark entrance at the top. You want to ask him questions about the pyramid, but your mouth just would not move.

“This adventure is yours,” he says.

You get out of the saucer and climb the stairs. You go into the entrance at the top. There is a stairwell that leads downward into the darker depths of the pyramid. Probably something of extreme value, like a million tonnes of gold lying at the bottom. It is certainly something to consider investigating.

“Hey, ex-legend!” Another bipedal rhino appears in front of the entrance, grinning again. This one has a slightly larger frame than the one you first saw. He also has a helmet that resembles a viking one. 

“Who doth thou?” you ask.

“Now, Frigate!” the rhino yells.

“What frigate?” you yell. 

“The one who tricked you,” you hear from another rhino behind you. With suspense, everything goes dark and you hear a stomp noise. Oh well, if only you could have explored the darn pyramid.

You hear the old man’s voice with a dreamy echo, “Game over, son.” 

(Exciting music plays) I’m your host, Jo-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-ohn Wrath, and thank you for watching dreams channel two!