Not So Breaking News – Marnie McCormick ’22

“Well folks, if this had happened a year ago I probably would have been surprised, but considering the shitstorm that was 2020, I’m not entirely shocked. It appears that aliens have begun taking over Chicago. Unlike the alien scare of 2020, this one could not possibly be hidden by the government, like some channels claimed. 

Taking a look at the scene, these extraterrestrials do not appear to be friendly. They have destroyed the city skyline, leaving everything in ruin except for The Bean… for some reason… I’ve heard people say Chicago was a dangerous city, but I doubt alien invasions are what they had in mind.

The question remains: Who are these aliens, and what do they want? Well folks, I’m going to find that out. In a NC News exclusive, I am going to get an exclusive with an alien.” As the reporter begins to walk closer to the scene the camera does not follow. “C’mon Jerry, I need you to film me make history here!” The camera moves up and down, clearly indicating a sigh before following the reporter into the chaos.

A quiet, “I don’t get paid enough for this” can be heard from behind the camera at home, but the reporter doesn’t notice as the alien mechanisms dance around the city, grabbing random citizens just feet away from him. 

“Let’s see if we can hear the opinions of some folks on the scene! Excuse me miss, what are your thoughts about the incoming alien invasi- oh. Ok well she’s dead.” The camera shutters at the sight of the human corpse before continuing to follow the reporter. The reporter makes his way up to one of the legs of the robotic alien machines. “Excuse me alien, what brings you to Eart- woah.” Through a shaky camera it is seen that the reporter has been picked up by one of the claws of the machine. “Alien life form, what business do you have here on earth?” The reporter, unfazed, holds the microphone close to the alien controlling the robot, anticipating a response.

“Z̴̨̪͠Ḷ̷̋̑o̶̼̾̈́̓͜͝r̸̯̮̤̓̃̐B̷̭͋̌̎̄ ̴̙̠͓͇͌̈́͠s̴̪̙͓̟͘n̵̫̐́e̷̳͋̾́̚ͅK̴̢̜̟̅͐L̶̗̿͆̚ ̴̦̮͘͝͠S̸̡̧͓͐o̸̡͓͖̩̊̅̒̄U̴͖̪̦̿C̵͓̮̜̈́͗ḣ̶̻̪̪̉̄ ̶̝̟͖̠͌̐̊̂Ź̶͉̝͎̱̇Ő̷̭͉̣̬͌́Ó̶̯͓͈̈͐̔P̵̟̤͝”

“…Oh, you don’t speak English. Well I guess I should have expected that. Anyway that’s all the time WE HAVE here folks! Back to you Diana with the weather.”